It's been a while since I even felt like I could update this blog. I've focused so much on writing poetry to pull the thoughts out of my head that I have felt drained and like I don't really have anything to say apart from my moments (that's what I call my poems).
I haven't written here since December 2020 and I kind of forgot to how to be honest in "blog" form and, well, I was just wrapped up in surviving and trying to keep my head above water; much like most of the population of the world throughout this whole pandemic.
This post will be mainly just a blah because I'm trying to break the seal and get back on here. I don't even really know what to say, to be honest.
Over the last 14 months, I've met some amazing new people online and in person who have changed my life in ways I didn't think possible...
It started with a man on New Year's day.
A stranger walking the same path as me in Glasnevin Cemetery.
He had a cup of soup and stopped to chat for a while. I can't remember everything we talked about but I remember him telling me how he moved to England when he was 14 to find work. He couldn't read or write. He fell in love. He got married. She passed away very young. He moved back to Ireland when he was 65 and now at the age of 70 he has started buying second hand copies of primary school reading and writing exercise books so he can learn properly.
I can't help but smile every time I think about him.
We spoke for about 45 minutes, until his soup was gone and he wanted to go to the "new" cemetery to say a quick hello to Luke Kelly.
One thing that has stayed with me from this completely random interaction is when he said "Getting older means you begin to really see".
And yes, he did mean it as poetically as that.
I think about this a lot. Especially on those really tough days where I feel like I can't get out of bed because I think there is no point.
I'm afraid of getting old because I don't think I've achieved everything I need to. Don't get me wrong I've done a lot but there are some core values that I have ingrained in me that I'm trying to work on letting go of because... Really? They weren't mine to begin with.
I'm nearly 37 and that scares the absolute crap out of me. If I was to disappear tomorrow, what would my legacy be? What would my daughter say about me? These are the dramatic thoughts of an anxious mind who always wants to do more. Find that thing that makes her happy but it's impossible to do so because when I get or do the things that make me happy, I've added to the wish list.
I'm trying to learn to see and for me, it starts with looking up.
Try it.
Have a look at those upstairs windows of the taller buildings when you're walking the streets.
Have a look up while you're taking a sip coffee.
Have a look up when you're sitting at the bus stop and, maybe, smile at stranger.
Have a look up when you're on that top deck of a bus and admire the moon and sun being visible at the same time.
Just look up...
And that's where I am going to stop this stream of consciousness before I get too philosophical and in my own head.
Thanks for reading!
