The Back Story of Why I Run

I was walking to work this morning and I saw a woman running. Every time I see someone running no matter what shape or size they are, how fast they’re going or what they’re wearing I smile to myself because I get it. Just as the smile was about to spread over my face I heard two girls behind me talking about this woman.

“What is she wearing?”

Sept 2011 - Sept 2016

“I know! Look at the sweat patches on her back!”

“Surely it’s not healthy for someone that size to be running?”

The lady paused in her run to walk.

“She’s not fit enough for running.”

“Maybe she should be on a treadmill.”

“I’d be mortified running in public if I was that size!”

I actually stopped to turn and glare at them at this point.

I can’t even tell you what they themselves looked like or what they were wearing because it doesn’t matter. How dare they judge someone who was brave enough to put themselves out there! I don’t know if this woman was running to get fit, lose weight or just to get that wonderful high from endorphins. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she is out there and she is doing it.

I remember 6 years ago when I decided I wanted to try to lose weight. I had an 8 month old baby, I was just back in work after maternity leave and a lady I worked with said that she was going to join WeightWatchers as her New Year’s resolution. I said I’d join her.

I will never for the rest of my life forget standing on the scales that first day. Seeing my weight be as close to 16 stone as possible and hearing the WeightWatcher’s leader say “Oh! We’ll have to take it slow with you…” I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. Suddenly I felt bigger than I had ever felt in my whole life. I felt like I waddled back to my seat. I tried to avoid eye contact with anyone in the room. The seat felt tiny when I sat down. I imagined rolls of fat resting on the table when I pulled my chair up to it…

In that moment I vowed to change.

Sure, I had been to slimming classes before, I had followed crazy diets, and I’d exercised to the point of making myself ill but none of these things had ever stuck before. This was when I had my “snap” moment.

I started off just following the points system… to the point of obsession. The weight slowly began to shift. Pound by pound each week. And while my number on the scales was steadily getting lower, I still wasn’t happy. Counting calories or points or whatever label you want to put on it isn’t healthy.

Age 15

One evening, I decided to go for a run. I figured this would be easy because I played basketball at least twice a week. Totally the same, right?

Ermm…

I got about half a kilometer from my house before I broke and had to limp my way home.

The only thing that saved my shame that evening was that it was dark and no one could see the tears of frustration rolling down my face. All I could do was berate myself.

“You f*cking idiot! What made you think you could actually go for a run!?”

“Just go home and stuff your face. It’s what you’re good at.”

“You are worthless and this is never going to work so why bother!?”

I went home, put my daughter to bed, and cried myself to sleep.

About a week later, I was sat on the couch on a Saturday morning and ‘The Biggest Loser’ came on TV. I’d never watched it before but because of my food obsession I wanted to watch anything to do with weightloss. Sure, it's tacky reality TV and the contestant’s weightloss was achieved in an unrealistic way. We can’t all take 3 months and have meals prepared for us and work out for 6 hours a day with personal trainers. I knew all this but I couldn’t stop watching it.

The next morning, I turned on another episode while my daughter napped and I felt the urge to do something while I watched it. I put on some gym clothes and I started to jog on the spot in the sitting

room.

No one could see me sweat.

No one could hear me pant.

But best of all, no one could see me fail.

I kept going.

This became my routine.

Port Tunnel Run, 2012

Four times a week for two months I would turn on an episode of ‘The Biggest Loser’ and I would run in my house for two hours. I began running with cans of beans in my hands as weights. I would run a little longer and a little faster each time. I started to extend my distance by going all over the house. Suddenly the house felt too small and the feeling of accomplishment grew more and more.

It was time to brave the outdoors.

I was still going to WeightWatchers every week. I was still counting points. I was still losing weight. Afterall, they had set me a goal and I’ll be damned if I was going to quit before I reached it. However, I was more satisfied after every in-house run I did than seeing the scales say a lower number.

I bought new running shoes. I bought a new sports bra. I bought running leggings.  I set up a playlist with what I considered inspirational music at the time (‘What Makes You Beautiful’ being one of the more shameful songs included).

I was going to force myself out the door.

I remember standing at the gate of my house and the negative feelings starting to creep back in. Somehow I managed to push them to the back of my head and take that first step, then a second, then a third… And keep going.

I ran 5km that evening. In public.

Samsung Night Run, 2013 (I look insane,,,)

I began to sweat after 2 minutes, I began to lose control of my breathing after 4 minutes. I began to feel my heart pound after 5 minutes. I stopped numerous times.

But I did it.

I walked back into my house and I cried. Happy tears.

Food and weight was at the back of my mind. All I could feel was the glow of pride.

Riding on the back of that high, I registered for the Women’s Mini Marathon in June 2012. I walked 70% of it.

Then I registered for the Port Tunnel 10km run in August, I ran 80% of it.

Then I registered for the MoRun in November.

MoRun 2014

Every organized race is an experience and each comes with a different atmosphere and motivation. As I was new to the race circuit I had no idea of what to expect. I didn’t know the Phoenix Park routes at the time (always pray for turning left on Chesterfield Avenue…).

I got to the park far too early. It was bloody freezing. I was on my own (I’m not good at not having someone to talk to…). I wandered around and took in everything that was happening around me. There were people with fake moustaches, people in costumes, families waiting together to take part in the 5km… The atmosphere! I can’t tell you enough about how positive it felt there. I had never felt like I was a part of the ‘race community’ before but something was magical there.

I stepped over the start line at 10.14 with David Guetta blaring in my ears (please do not judge me…).

And I ran.

And ran.

And ran.

MoRun 2015

8km in and I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. I could see this GINORMOUS (at the time it seemed to be) hill right in front of me and I was ready to stop and have a break. Out of nowhere, as if they had seen me slow down, a man in an Elvis costume gave me a pat on the back, nodded me on, and zipped off.

I kept going.

Finally, there it was.

The finish line.

I was about to do it.

Run ten full kilometers.

Now I’ve mentioned crying a lot in this already so you know what’s coming.

When I crossed that finish line, I bawled my eyes out. I had never felt a satisfaction and pride like that before. I had worked so hard. I went from running on the spot in my sitting room to running at night so no one could see me to running a full ten kilometers on a Saturday morning in Phoenix Park.

I hugged the woman who handed me my medal. I smiled the whole way home. I finished that race in 1:06:16 but I felt like I had won the race and, in a way, I had.

Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon 2015

That feeling has never left me. No matter what race I take part in or how far I run on my own, I will always go back to that moment in front of that hill with Elvis and keep on going.

Since that race in 2012, I have run the Women’s Mini Marathon every year, the Spar Great Ireland Run, 3 Rock ‘n’ Roll Half marathons, 3 Dublin City Half marathons, taken part in obstacle runs, rainbow runs and countless other 5km and 10km races… Basically I’ve spent a fortune on race entries.

Running started out as a means to a weightloss end for me (P.S. Totally hit my WeightWatchers goal in 2013 but yeah… I still really like pizza) but it became so much more than that. I always tell people I run to stay ‘even’. I can solve all my problems without even thinking about them by getting those shoes on and taking those first steps that I have done every time.

Every single November, I line up at the MoRun to celebrate me, to soak up the atmosphere to get me through another year of running, and to be a part of something special.

This year I will be taking part in the Dublin Marathon (very, very slowly…) and raising money for my friend’s brother’s rehabilitation (More info here - https://www.gofundme.com/2j47rik ).

And even though this year’s Dublin MoRun is the week after the marathon, I will be lining up and crossing that finish line.

More info on MoRunning can be found here - https://www.mo-running.com/dublin.

See you there?