I have a million things I need to be doing right now but I just had to sit and write about something that's been on my mind a lot lately.
How would you feel about dating a person who had a child with someone else?
I had my daughter when I was 25. I was in a long term relationship that ended when she was 2 and since then I had one other serious relationship.
I've dated. A lot. TV shows depicting singletons make it look a heck of a lot more fun than it actually is.
I've been upfront about having a kid and been ghosted. I have hidden that I had a kid and been ghosted. I've not talked about my kid and been told I don't mention her enough. I've also talked about my kid and had the subject quickly changed.
There is no win. You never know how a potential partner may feel when confronted with the extremely obvious evidence that you have in fact copulated with another individual.
When myself and my daughter's dad broke up I remember convincing myself that I was damaged goods and that no-one would ever want to be with me because I'm a mom. And as you know, when you have a child THAT DEFINES YOU.
Everything about you is that child.
YOU ARE A PARENT.
YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE APART FROM PARENTING.
Yeah. This was only further affirmed by a (ex) friend of mine sending me a flurry of 4am texts after a night out telling me how he was "flattered" that I had shown interest in him romantically ("Did I?" was my first thought) but that he wasn't ready to be a father (ignoring the fact that my kid has a perfectly good father present in her life) and that I'm a "great girl who will make someone very happy someday" (ehhhh... splendid?) so, essentially, "thanks but no thanks".
I'm paraphrasing. I could go and look for the messages but I'd rather not pick at that particular scab.
That guy hit every single sensitivity I had around being a single mom who would like to meet someone.
It hurt.
Still kinda does if I'm being honest.
Looking back, I do think the real shock of this whole scenario was that he had made up his mind that I was into him... Bit of a stretch considering I was trying to get stuck into an ex.
Meh.
That chap is married now and has a baby. Good for him.
It took a while for me to tease out all of those insecurities, deal with them head on and finally realise that if someone doesn't want to be with me, then they don't want to be with me. My kid has nothing to do with it. No matter what, if the person is right... well, then the timing and conditions will be right.
I remember being at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago. I had gone to chill out for a few minutes in a locked toilet cubicle when a group of ladies came in. They were chatting about dating and one of them mentioned that she had gone on a few dates with a guy but called it off because he had a kid and she just wasn't ready for that sort of commitment and she didn't know how she felt about him having a child with someone else. I stepped out of the cubicle. There was no disguising the shock on their faces. Quick apologies were flying at me because they "meant no disrespect".
A quick rip of that band-aid rather than the crushing soul-destroying "I'll be alone forever" heartache.
Oh I have eaten so very much ice-cream in a fruitless bid to numb the pain of a good aul dumping.
Anyway, I'm kind of just landing this on the page as I think and I have to go and collect my child from school.
It's just something that creeps into my head.
Yeah. I have a kid. I'm 35. We ALL have something going on by the time we hit our mid 30s and if you don't, have you really even lived!?!
Date me or don't. I'm cool with it. Just don't make it all about my kid because I have so much more wrong with me that you could use as an excuse!
Anyhow, I'm getting cats.
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