With her a constant smile and laugh, it was hard to believe that Emily had problems. She hid it from everyone which wasn’t difficult as she had spent her whole life hiding things.
When she was five, she had hidden that she was the one who had left the door open allowing the cat to make a break for freedom.
When she was ten, she had hidden that she had failed in her math test because she simply couldn’t understand when she would ever actually need math.
When she was fifteen, she had hidden that she had lost her virginity to a boy behind the school bike shed. He promised her the world but she never saw him again.
When she was eighteen, she had hidden the fact that she never had wanted to study finance in college. She had wanted to be a writer.
And so you see, hiding things from people was never a problem for her.
It became a way of life. With her friends, she smiled and joked but on the inside, her core was rotting with every day that dawned.
She couldn’t pinpoint when she had started to feel this way. It was like that darkness had always been there. The constant feeling of not being good enough, tarnishing and marring her.
Cutting seemed to lessen the pain. Always subtle but always deep. Depending on how bad the day had been determined how deep the cut would be. It was her way of penance. Her way of saying “sorry”.
Nightly she would take out the silver, blunt letter opener to say her prayers. The pressure she put on her thigh reduced the pressure on her soul.
Nightly, she would apologise for sins that she had never committed.
And nightly, she would get her brief moment of release.
Emily knew of no other way to cope. The last thing that she had wanted was to become a burden for anyone and so, in this respect, she had taken a solemn vow of silence.
On good days, she would call one of the many who desired her.
So beautiful on the outside, one was always available. She would be their instrument to play and each time, they created the most beautiful song together. For those brief moments, there was a glimmer of hope.
She felt so close to being alive during midnight trysts. The darkness seemed so far away, almost as if it didn’t exist and her world would be filled with a light. But no matter how she tried, the light faded as soon as she tried to reach it.
As soon as the light was gone, she found herself passing her visitor their things and saying ‘Thank you’.
No mention of staying. No mention of tomorrow. The transaction had been completed and yet again, it had not worked.
Years passed and Emily existed.
Her penance was no longer enough.
The night enveloped her and embraced her to its bosom and she welcomed it as one welcomes a lover to their bed. After all, the darkness had been her only true friend for all these years. It knew her better than anyone else ever could.
No words of goodbye.
No words of comfort.
Nothing.
She was found with a smile on her face as if to say her only regret had been that she hadn’t welcomed the dark sooner.
No comments:
Post a Comment